Letters
by thelittleactor
Summary: A series of letters that Blaine writes in his journal, hidden far away from Kurt. Blaine will live through a day of school with Kurt, and then write him a letter. He doesn't let Kurt see them, because losing Kurt is the last thing he needs.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Kurt,

Here I am, writing another letter you won't ever read. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just accept the situation for what it is?

I'm lonely. There's no other way for me to say it. I could right click and look for synonyms, but it is what it is. I'm lonely.

I see you and how proud you are of who you are. I admire your spirit, your personality, your confidence, your _everything_.

I just wish that I had it in me to be the same.

You're wonderful, Kurt. Since I've met you, I've found light where previously, all I'd ever known was darkness. And that sounds cliche and so horribly expressed, but that's exactly how I've been feeling. You make me laugh in the weirdest of situations - like that time we made snow angels on campus at Dalton. You make me smile so much so that my cheeks begin to burn, but I don't even mind. My songwriting journal is filled with lyrics just describing you and your laugh and the moments we've had together. I wish I had the courage to actually tell you this, face to face, but I don't. Truth be told, I don't think I'll ever have it.

Because what if I mess this up? What if I ruin everything that makes just _breathing _worthwhile?

Forget Jeremiah - that was just one of those lust-driven moments of insanity. And the minute it was all over, and I'd been humiliated, I realised just how stupid I'd been. But really? I knew it was insane from the beginning, didn't I?

I saw it in myself, in the mirror, everyday.

Here's where get brutally honest - and I'm not holding back here, because hey, this is something you'll never read so it doesn't matter anyway.

After meeting you, I began spending an extra 15 minutes getting ready, just in case I'd see you along the way.

After meeting you, I began trying to teach myself how to make non-fat mocha lattes from the Dalton kitchens, just in case.

After meeting you, I began memorising every move you'd make - the way you'd fix your hair when you were nervous, the way you'd pat your knees when you were bored, the way the corner of your lip would twitch before you'd laugh…

After meeting you, I began trying to convince myself that you were in fact, real, and that you wouldn't just up and leave me when the going got tough.

We were friends. We still are. And that's all we'll ever be, despite me so desperately wanting more. I can't risk losing you. I can't risk it at all. Because as much as this is killing me now, I think that if I went just two days without talking to you now, I would crumble.

I don't even know what I'm saying, thinking or doing anymore. All I know is that I need you in my life, as close as humanly possible.

I won't mention how that Alexander McQueen scarf brings out your beautiful eyes, or how those new Armani jeans accentuate your shape. I won't dare tell you that your hair is perfectly style or that the plaid shirt your wearing just hugs you so well.

Instead, I'll settle with a "You look nice" or a sarcastic comment that I hope you can find the compliment hidden beneath. Because that's all I can do.

If I overstep the boundaries, it'll all be gone.

Yet I've let myself become reliant on you. A single text from you is all it takes to brighten my mood. You send a wink face emoticon and I get all blushed and embarrassed, even though I know it's harmless. You put little 'x's' and 'o's' next to your name when you text to say goodnight and it takes all of my self control not to text back with a great, big, fat, _**I love you.**_

But what if I did actually send that text?

What if you actually knew how I felt?

I don't know, Kurt. All I know is that the smell of the coffee shop we frequent lingers on blazer and I spend hours on end just sitting there, smelling it and remembering every single second of the coffee trip. I remember the people we talked about, the homework we complained about, the bullies we bitched about and the laughs we shared.

I think I'll always stay in the background. I'll always watch you shine, Kurt. Because as much as I need you in my life, the thought of a life without you in my life is almost unbearable.

I think we're best friends now? I hope we are. I love how close we've become. I love that you trust me so deeply. I love your beautiful voice and the way your eyes pierce into mine when you smile. I love the way your stunning complexion is tinted with the lightest of pinks when you lose yourself for a moment and laugh. I love that I'm the first person you come to to talk about your problems.

I love that you know I'm here for you.

And I always will be, Kurt.

I'll always be here for you.

Even if, in a few years time, I can't be the one putting a ring on your finger and promising to love you forever in front of everyone we know and love.

I'll still be here for you.

Love always,

Blaine.


	2. Chapter 2

_The day went by like any other. Kurt and Blaine met at Kurt's locker before school. Kurt told some embarrassing story of Finn downing an entire bottle of syrup before breakfast. Blaine complained about the amount of time he spent on his biology report. Kurt started humming a random tune and Blaine joined in, harmonizing randomly, just finding notes that fit. Kurt told Blaine that New Directions would be performing this weekend, and would Blaine like to come with him to watch? Blaine accepted. Kurt and Blaine separated for the day's worth of classes. They found each other again for a moment at lunch before Kurt was called to see his music teacher for a minute in regards to his latest assessment. The rest of the guys teased Blaine for looking so disappointed. They attended their last few classes. They met up after school for coffee. They talked, they laughed, and Kurt drove home. Blaine returned to his dorm room and wrote another letter._

Dear Kurt,

Why on earth is this affecting me so much?

Why is it that I have this empty, gaping hole in my chest when you're not around?

Why?

Truth be told, I made it to your locker a whole half hour before you'd arrived. And you were early, too. I'm so eager to see you that I wake up earlier and get ready earlier just in case you happen to arrive earlier too. Isn't that something? Does that mean anything?

Or is that something any friend would do?

I don't think it is. At all. I think the feelings I have for you are beyond the various definitions of friendship. They're anything but platonic. I can't help but get lost in your eyes, imagining what it would be like to just take your arm and link it through mine.

But that's wrong. It's so very, very wrong. I can't overstep these boundaries, Kurt. No matter how much I want to just lean forward and take you into my arms and keep you there forever. It's wrong. I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Mercedes called me, out of the blue, not long after I met you. She stole your phone to get my number. She called me just to tell me that she was so appreciative of everything I'd done for you. She said 'thanks for being a good mentor.' But that's not what I am, is it?

If it is, there's _no_ chance I could ever be anything more than a friend, right? Mentors aren't supposed to fall in love like this. Try as I might, I can't deny that this is actually love I'm feeling for you.

You know what's killing me most? Knowing that I can't just reach out and brush your cheek with the back of my hand, or smooth back that one stray piece of hair. That'd be out of line, but so help me, I just want to do it.

If anything, I'm waiting for a sign. From you, from anyone, from the universe, from whoever… I just need a sign. Anything. Do you feel _anything _for me?

I can't instigate anything. I wouldn't even try. Karofsky ruined what was supposed to be one of the most magical moments of your life. He took it from you and forced it on you, and I can't do that. I can't force anything on you. I can't just shove you up against a wall and kiss you. And I know I'm not Karofsky – I'm not a closeted bully – but I still can't do it. You have to make the first move.

If I ever took that first step, I'd never be able to forgive myself, Kurt. You should have control over who you're with and with whom you experience certain milestones. And again, if I can't be that person, then I'm going to be here for you each step of the way. I'll be here as that shoulder you can cry on even though I can barely stand that I can't just kiss you and make it all better.

I can't do it, Kurt. I can't just reach out. I'm here for you, always.

I just wish I could be there for you in more ways than one.

Love always,

Blaine.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kurt had been quiet all day. He hadn't spoken all that much when Blaine was waiting for him in the morning, nor had he said a word when Blaine sat with him at lunch. He spent most of his time with his phone in his hand, rapidly texting someone: Blaine assumed it was Mercedes. Blaine asked Kurt what was wrong several times, only to be met with a 'nothing' and a forced smile. Blaine led Kurt to the Lima Bean for the usual after-school coffee date. Kurt was still unusually quiet and was rather reserved. Blaine asked him what was wrong once more and Kurt stood, avoiding his eyes, said "You wouldn't understand," and swiftly left the coffee shop, leaving Blaine in his seat, hurt and confused._

Dear Kurt,

I wish I could talk to you and make everything okay. I wish you knew how hard it is for me to see you upset the way you were today. It stings, and every time you avoid my eyes and say you're fine I know you're lying. And I'm not too sure what hurts most: seeing you hurt, or seeing you unable to talk to me about it.

It's not like I'm forcing you to say or do anything. I would never do that; I would never pressure you into something like that. I just wish you could find comfort in me the way I do in you.

Remember when you first met me? You let me into your life and told me everything about you, including all the crap Karofsky was putting you through. I felt your pain – I've been bullied before like that, I know all about it. And the way you described everything made me realise how lucky I was to escape and come to Dalton.  
>The minute you started describing your experiences with Karofsky, I had to stop myself from dragging you to the Headmaster's office and begging him to accept you to Dalton, just so you wouldn't have to face that at McKinley anymore.<p>

That's not how a friend should react, right? Much less a stranger?

I'm still here. I haven't moved. I want nothing more than to take you in my arms and hold you tight. I'd listen to you talk for hours and hours on end if it meant you getting everything off your chest. If you went home feeling like everything was okay, I'd be happy.

The pain you're feeling is right there when I look into your eyes. The minute I see it, you look away – you avoid my gaze. It's as if you feel like you have to hide it away from me, and guard yourself.

Well, you don't have to. With me, you can let your guard down. Because I'm here. Always. I'm here for you, no matter what. Nothing you can say will ever turn me against you. I just want you to be happy.

I know I can't be the one to wipe the tears away and press a kiss to your forehead. I can't be the one bringing you flowers and chocolates and singing to you until you finally smile. It kills me to know I can't be that person. But if you're happy, I'm happy. That's all I'll ever want.

Your smile is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Your eyes light up and you just seem so _happy_ when you smile. I didn't see you smile once today, and that killed me. Because I know that something is lurking underneath the surface and it's just waiting to come out, but for some reason, you can't just tell me.

Please, just tell me.

I'll be here with a grande non-fat mocha and the latest issue of Vogue, ready and waiting for you, when you're ready.

If you're ready.

Love always,

Blaine.


	4. Chapter 4

_It'd been nearly a week, and Kurt was still in a mood. He still avoided Blaine's gaze, and often refused to even acknowledge Blaine's presence. The rest of the Warblers noticed this too, and finally got through to Kurt. Kurt still avoided Blaine for a little while longer, but in the end, Kurt finally gave in and spoke to Blaine again._

Kurt, dear Kurt,

I wish you had the strength to talk to me. I hate that you had to hide away and pretend like it didn't matter even when it was killing you inside.

I didn't know what to say while you've been upset these past few weeks. It started off with a simple refusal to go for coffee after school and escalated to blatantly ignoring me before, during and after school. It hurt to be treated like that, it did, but at the same token I couldn't ever force myself to be angry at you or to hate you because I knew that you were hurting deeply yourself.

But then I thought, 'Wait a minute, aren't we supposed to be best friends?'. And we are, Kurt, and I think that's what stung the most – you couldn't confide in me, your best friend. I've always been there for you, as you have for me. So I don't understand why it was suddenly such an issue. What could possibly be so bad?

You told me how Karofsky was shoving you into lockers the day I met you. We exchanged numbers, and I kept texting you 'Courage' because you needed to find that courage in yourself to keep going and ignore him. Then he took it too far. He kissed you without your prior knowledge or consent and that enraged me like nothing ever had before. I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful, caring, loving and _amazing_ could have one of the most important 'firsts' taken away from them.

But did you ever see that rage play on my face? Did you ever hear me curse and swear and scream and yell at Karofsky for what he did? No.

Because I didn't want to blow it out of proportion. It was bad enough that you had to experience it, but if you saw how I felt about the situation, I thought that you could feel even worse about it all.

I wasn't just mad that someone had invaded your personal space and made you feel vulnerable. I was completely enraged by the fact that you had your first kiss stolen from you at a time when you felt hurt and degraded by someone you loathed.

To be honest, it hurt even more knowing that I couldn't be the one to fix it and give you a _real _first kiss – because there it is, the line separating the 'appropriate' and 'inappropriate' friendship interactions.

Yeah. I mean everything I've just said. I've wanted to kiss you from the day I met you. Something drew you to me, Kurt, and I don't think it was just New Directions wanting to spy on us Warblers.

The point of this letter, though, is to just tell you how much I wish you could have confided in me. I'm not Burt or Mercedes, or even Rachel, for that matter. But I thought we were close enough to share these things.

We spend almost every possible minute together. In the classes we share, we're joined at the hip. I meet you at your locker before and after school. We get coffee together almost everyday. There were plenty of opportunities and yet somehow they slipped by unnoticed and then you started becoming quite distant.

Don't blame Jeff, Nick and the other Warbler guys for cornering you and wanting information – it sounds crazy, but they were looking out for the both of us. They were worried about you, as we all were, but they were worried about me too because I spent all of _my _time worrying about you. It's a vicious circle of worry and none of us were sure how to break the pattern.

But you snapped and you said something to them that made them back off. I was in the corner of the library when it happened, so I know – though all I saw were a pack of blazer-clad guys walking up to you and then leaving suddenly after a short, sharp noise echoed through the room. I didn't know what that noise was until Jeff said 'Kurt snapped' before telling me to leave you alone and that you'll come to me when you're ready.

And you came to me this afternoon.

You brought two large coffees and a couple of pastries and you apologised profusely. I could see the emotion in your eyes and the minute you said 'I'm sorry' the tears started pouring out. I didn't understand why you were crying, and to be honest, I still don't, but I forgave you immediately.

I took your hand and pulled you in for a hug and said it's okay. And it is, now, because I can't not have you in my life. But when I asked you why you'd been so distant, you told me that you'd had some really bad nightmares that you didn't want to talk about, but they started overtaking your life.

Again, you avoided eye contact, and only ever do that when you lie. I've got you down, Kurt Hummel.

But I won't push the matter. I won't force the information out of you. That's not what friends do. I'll be here with the coffee and the snacks and the endless Broadway playlists I'll be putting on your iPod until you're ready.

Because I'm your best friend, Kurt. And while it kills me that that's all I'll ever be, I'm always going to be here. I care about you too much.

Love always,

Blaine.

_Later that night, Blaine dropped his diary back onto the old, wooden desk Dalton provided for its boarders and went to sleep. In the morning, he'd slept in and was running late. He left for classes, forgetting to lock the door to his dorm room. He returned that afternoon and found someone had written below his latest entry in a red ballpoint pen:_

**Tell him.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Blaine had been reeling for a few days, not knowing who had found his diary and added to it. He and Kurt had been getting along again, with everything almost exactly the way it was before anything had happened between the two of them. Blaine purposely ignored his diary for a few days, wanting to see if anyone would add anything else. It wasn't long before he gave in and wrote another entry, unable to contain his innermost thoughts any longer._

Kurt,

What's changed? What's happened? You're suddenly so bright and upbeat and while it's definitely a welcome change, it's such a contrast to what you'd been for a long time. I just hope, with all my heart, that this isn't an act. I hope you're actually feeling happy on the inside, because that's when you truly shine, Kurt.

God, I sound like some pathetic, hopeless romantic, don't I? I don't really care, though, because it's true. Everything's just… it's all so insane right now, and I'm not too sure how to act around you. I don't know if I should tread carefully or if I should just jump right back into our normal routine. I just _don't know_.

I guess that's the worst part. Not knowing. I think knowledge would really help me here but it's nowhere to be found and I honestly have no clue. I'm hopeless, in every sense of the word. And I know that if this were about anything else I could come to you and you would tell me what to do (and accuse me of wearing a colour that does not suit my complexion at all).

So why don't I just talk to you? It seems simple enough. Walk up to you, order your coffee as per usual, sit down and just blurt it all out until everything's out in the open.

It's your reaction I'm most afraid of. To explain why the past few weeks have been hard, I'd have to explain the extent of my feelings for you. I'm not ready for that. It's been hard enough just accepting those feelings. How could I tell you? How could I risk our friendship like that?

I wish I had a guardian angel to tell me what to do in circumstances like this. I need something. A sign. 

You don't feel the way I do. Simple as that. I need to quash these feelings or let go or just do _something_ to stop feeling so happy yet so miserable all the time. Because I'm overly happy when I'm around you and miserable knowing that I'll never be the one to hold your hand and kiss your cheek.

Life sucks right now. It does. The Warblers are great, school grades are fine, family's going fine, but you… you have the power to make me melt with a smile and to make me shiver when you say my name. That's not good for me, Kurt. It's killing me.

It's killing me because, fuck it. I love you. I don't care that I curse or lose myself when it comes to you, because I just need to say it. Maybe there's a chance those feelings will change if I suppress them enough.

Until then, I'll be there for you, whatever it takes.

Love always,

Blaine.

_Blaine purposely left his latest entry splayed out across his desk, leaving his room unlocked once more as he left for his classes. He returned to find the book closed with a single white rose on the cover. Confused, Blaine took the rose, smelt it, and opened his diary to his latest entry to find the same red ballpoint script giving him another message:_

_**Tell him. Tell him soon. Not all hope is lost.**_


	6. Chapter 6

_Blaine had been going through everyone he knew in his mind to try and figure out who was responsible for the rose and the mysterious messages left after his every diary entry. He thought it could be Nick or Jeff, just playing a joke on him, but then he knew that even though he hadn't said anything to them, they knew how he felt and they wouldn't mess with something of this importance to him._

_So Blaine continued his day to day life, doing his best to smile and laugh where necessary just to get by, still barely able to contain his true feelings for Kurt, and just acting as the perfect best friend everyday._

Kurt,

It's like I can't even remember you being mad or upset anymore: you're so happy and you're skipping and dancing around the place and it makes me so happy to see you that way.

You're smiling so hard that you blush, and god damn it I love your beautifully blushed, rosy cheeks against your complexion… it takes all of my self control not to just pounce on you and kiss you until you blush some more.

I've said it a million times before – well, on paper, anyway – but your smile truly lights up my day, even more so now that you're so elated all the damn time. It's amazing to see you waltz into the room and have everyone so taken by your contagious spirit.

The only downside to today would be… well… I asked you before school to join me at recess, and I'd filled a thermos with the coffee you love just for the occasion… I don't know if you forgot or something but it sucked drinking the coffee alone… and you didn't even seem to remember when you saw me at lunch.

Yeah, it hurt a little. But I'm sure it's an innocent mistake, a slip of the brain – hey, it happens to me all the time. It's not your fault. If anything I should be ridiculously lucky that you even look in my direction, so one missed morning tea is hardly an issue.

Jealousy gets the better of me when I see you talking to that guy, Drew. I get that you're friendly because you're lab partners but it still affects me when I see him making you laugh and smile because I can't help but think that I should be the one doing just that.

These feelings are insane. They're crazy. I can't even begin to describe them. Well, okay, I can, but the description is short and sweet: .

In that order.

How can I stop feeling so damn jealous all the time? It's not like you know how I feel. At all. So it's not like you can control how perfect you are.

I'm going to be honest with you here, Kurt. Some stranger has been writing things after my little journal entries and it's a bit off-putting. Who is this person? Why are they saying these things?

They told me to tell you how I feel. But how can I? You're happy being you and I'm so happy being one of your best friends. I do really enjoy our friendship and I marvel at how I could ever have gained the friendship of someone like you.

I'm starting to feel like I should tell you. I know nothing will come of it, god, but I think if you knew I could maybe… I don't know. Maybe I could begin to get over it? It's probably just a crush, isn't it?

Then again, I've had crushes before. And this is nothing like any of those. I felt plain butterflies in my stomach those times. Now, it's like my whole body is shaking, trembling, and desperately trying to remain standing whenever you're around. I feel it in my heart, this great sense of adoration and lust and infatuation and I just want to be around you all the time. I have to fight this overwhelming urge to lose all sense of boundaries and just kiss you in the middle of the halls, in your kitchen during your family dinner, in my car as I take you out to coffee…

Is it dangerous, telling you everything?

I mean, can I do it? Can I do it without risking what we have? Will our friendship remain intact?

I don't want to screw up our friendship, Kurt… but… I love you.

I have to figure out how to tell you.

Should I?

…

Love always,

Blaine

PS: Fuck it. I'm telling you.

_Blaine returned a day later to find a new message hastily added to the bottom of the page, hidden beneath yet another rose._

"_Finally. Go get him."_


	7. Chapter 7

_Blaine had spent the next day furiously planning what he'd say. He was planning on telling Kurt alone at their usual post-school coffee date, but it was when he saw Kurt laughing with the other Warblers in the hallway that his heart pushed him to do it then and there, in front of everybody._

_So he said: "Kurt, I can't help it, but I've been feeling this strong attraction to you for so long and it's not just about your eyes or your hair – but by god, those are amazing – but it's your warm heart and everything you say and do and how the silliest little things about you make me laugh and smile and I just have to tell you that I like you as so much more than a friend. I don't want to hurt our friendship because it is the most important thing to me – and oh my god, I'm speaking really fast here – but I just can't help it. I care about you so much and I'd do anything in my power to prevent you from getting hurt. You mean the world to me, and you bring out the best in me. All I ever do is think about how much I want to be with you and how much I just want to kiss you even when we're in the middle of a conversation. I like you so much, I care about you so much, and though I feel like a complete ass right now, I just had to tell you."_

_Blaine gulped as much air as possible, not realising how long he'd gone without breathing. Kurt just stood there in shock, as did the other Warblers, until Blaine felt so humiliated he had to run back to his dorm and just sit there in shock. He regained as much composure as possible before sitting down and writing another journal entry._

Kurt,

I am so sorry.

I think I just ruined our friendship. I did, didn't I? I'm such an ass. A selfish, embarrassing ass. I don't know why you were even friends with me in the beginning if this is what I'm like.

I'm so sorry for just unleashing all that information on you without any notice whatsoever. I had it all planned out. It was going to be so smooth and calm and I was going to try to make it seem like the least important thing on my mind so that I wouldn't freak you out. In a way, it's your fault, because you had to stand there looking so damn _perfect_, so my body was just screaming at me to do something and my mind wasn't listening.

I'm such an ass.

I've just ruined everything.

And now, I'm pretty sure you won't want to be my friend. You won't want anything to do with me. And that hurts more than knowing that we can't be together in the sense that I'd like us to be, because, dammit, I just want you in my life. Is that so hard? Is that concept too difficult for my mind to grasp?

There was a voice, Kurt. A voice telling me to tell you. A voice telling me that not all hope was lost. A voice telling me that you… that you'd welcome this kind of information. Well, that voice was wrong, and it made me stuff it all up so badly that I can't even imagine myself picking up the pieces and starting over. It seems nearly impossible.

So what am I supposed to do now? Not only have I unloaded all of this onto in front of a hallway full of Warblers, thereby humiliating myself in the process, but I've potentially destroyed one of the very few good things in my life.

No.

The only good thing in my life.

Because if you think about it, the love I share for those few other things stem from you. I enjoy reading Vogue because I know you're critiquing the new Givenchy and Hermès scarf show-down. I can't wait for Warbler practice everyday just because I know I can stand by you and flirt with you and blame it on the song. I live for those shopping trips with you because the joy you feel just overwhelms me, and I can't help but feel so ecstatic that you're genuinely happy.

You deserve happiness, Kurt. And in embarrassing myself like that (and embarrassing you in the process), I'm pretty sure I've ruined a bit of that for you. Now you have so much to think about and I won't blame you at all if you decide that you don't want to hang out anymore, or to talk to me at all. I don't blame you. If I were you, god, I would've slapped me then and there.

You're too kind for that, aren't you? Too kind. Too nice. Too…. Perfect.

Dammit.

Why'd I have to fall in love with you?

…Shit. Fall in love?

Yeah.

Shit.

I've just blown it.

Doesn't matter anymore, I suppose. Back to the days of just me and my guitar.

Still, love always,

Blaine.

_The next day, Blaine found that no note was hastily added to the bottom of Blaine's entry. A single rose was once again placed on top, this time joined by a Jack Johnson CD with "Banana Pancakes" highlighted and circled in dark Sharpie. Blaine took the CD and played the song over and over until he fell asleep. _

Kurt,

Oh dear Kurt.

I told you.

You were smiling, you were laughing, and I just walked up to you and said it.


End file.
